Hi, I’m Jasmyne with Relate Family Therapy and Counseling in Centennial, Colorado. Do you have someone in your life that when you speak to them, they’re often confused and don’t understand what you’re saying? Have you noticed that when there’s an emotional topic or something comes up that you feel like you want to connect with them, they tend to say they don’t understand. And that’s where the conversation will end. It can feel very dismissive. When you want to connect with someone on a deeper level and they want to connect with you, confusion can be a tool. Saying that you don’t understand but you want to is a really big part of better communication. Couples and people in all sorts of relationships have to come together around this thought that they want to understand each other, but when someone’s emotionally dismissive or avoidant of you, they’ll just say, “Mm… I don’t get it,” or, “I’m really confused,” or, “This doesn’t make sense to me,” or, “I’m lost.” When they say that they don’t intend to hear anything more, and you can feel left like you’re not feeling heard, and you’re not sure where to go from there. You recognize that they’re not getting your point of view, but you also sense that maybe they don’t want to. You also can provide that feedback to others. If you find that you’re often telling people that you’re confused and then you just don’t want to know anymore, you could be avoidant and also be in a place where you emotionally just don’t want to connect. When you sense that, recognizing why that is where you’re at can be really powerful. It might just be the relationship is one that you don’t value, or it might be that you tend to not have a good response when things get emotional or difficult to talk about. Checking in about why you are confused or why the other person’s confused can help provide a better direction.
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