No, I won’t be seeing my family this year.
It’s such a loaded response to the holidays. As a therapist, I see the hurt, feel the pain, understand the inability to figure out the close relationships.
As a person with multiple families, I just ask myself on an ongoing basis, why does it always feel so hard to connect with my family?
I have a relative that told me that I wasn’t part of her family. It was an innocent enough comment. She has her own family, and that was her point. She was saying, my immediate family is my family and I hold a boundary to those that aren’t in it. She values those relationships over others and it makes sense to set that limit. She’s very fortunate. She has wonderful parents and she married into a family where her in laws also adore their children.
She can choose when and how to participate in family activities. They are there for her to pick and choose. Moms and Dads welcome her with open arms and many people want her there for all of the holidays. They go out of their way to help her to feel special by watching her kids, buying her gifts that she wants, making meals for her, and really sharing in the joy of just spending time together.
Many people wish they were that lucky. It’s just not the way it worked out. They were born into systems that weren’t ready for them, decided that parenting really was too much work, held onto addictions, went through messy divorces and checked out, or they just choose their needs over others-including those closest to them.
There is a difference between avoidance and deciding to abandon your family and choosing to stop holding space for relationships that continue to bring pain, inconsistency, and hurt. I am a huge believer in boundaries relationships. Working with families to find a good level of interaction and connection is one of my greatest joys.
I love to help families find that balance and gain a peaceful and connected relationship. Too bad it doesn’t work in my real life as well as it does in my office.
For most of my adult life, I have been the magic maker in my family system. I’ve gone out of my way to host events, make meals, buy all the gifts, set up tickets for light shows and the Nutcracker. I’ve done it in the name of holiday spirit, and the desire to connect with those that are supposed to be closest to me. With these gestures I have been rewarded with my family’s attendance of some events, time spent with them, and memories for my children.
I have also been met with indifference, avoidance, and the messaging that I expect too much. I do love hosting and having parties, but sometimes I wish for the ease of my relative. I wish someone would plan with me. Maybe even plan for me. I wish that I could again sit down at a meal made with the intention of bringing me and my family together as my grandmas’ homes did for all those years.
For now, I will just continue to make memories and find ways to help my kids gain the spirit of the holidays. I have created the connection that I have always craved knowing that they are my family and that they are so happy building that relationship and future with me.
Generational patterns take someone saying that they will be the change. I know for my family that’s me and I am happy to give them that comfort. One day they can easily say who their family is and not want it any other way.
