Making Connections, Jasmyne’s Journal
February 2, 2023
I was so excited when I saw the lady next to me on the plane watching the last few episodes of Emily in Paris at the beginning of our seven hour flight. I would glance at her screen from time to time to see where she was in the episodes. As the last scene played out, I watched her reaction to it. This felt like a great chance to discuss something lighthearted and easy with someone. It was just a fun, quirky show with interesting characters and a big cliffhanger.
People don’t get these moments very often anymore. It used to be that we all shared collective experiences through the TV, best selling books, movies, or the newspaper. Everyone watched The Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show, and you asked someone about that night, they had a story. The whole world stopped during the final episode of MASH or Cheers; everyone read The DaVinci Code and couldn’t decide if Tom Hanks was the right choice for the movie; the local newspaper was a place to be seen and to know how many points were scored by a high school senior at a local sporting event.
Much of our world has changed and now it is rare to connect around media in the same way that we did in the past. Binge watching a show takes away a
chance to align with other’s experience of it and guess the next moves of a writer. It was said that This Is Us was the last real chance for the masses to watch a show unfold together on network television.
Have you watched Ozark? Do you even open that local newspaper that is tossed in your driveway? Are you in a book club? Sports still allow for some of this. Since sporting events are best watched live, most people take the time to sit down and watch them as they unfold, which continues to allow for some joining. People that have no interest in sports don’t get to experience this with others. Some men even fake an interest in football just to feel included.
Many people miss easy moments of communication; water cooler talk. We desire a deeper conversation than “how’s the weather” but nothing too rooted in difficult topics. We attempt to build relationships on social media, but this can fall short. Social media can even leave someone feeling more isolated than ever. Ultimately, we crave in person, thoughtful conversation.
I struck up a conversation with my neighbor on the plane. We talked for quite a while about the show, and then moved to other things like our kids, the trips we were taking, and our day to day lives. We left the plane with pleasantries and no intention of connecting again, but we will always have Paris.
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The Gift of the Season, Jasmyne’s Journal
January 4, 2023
We didn’t see Santa Claus this year. It started as something that I had planned for a future date, but ended up being something that just never seemed important enough to make the effort to do.
We made cookies, wrapped presents, watched movies, went ice skating, saw extended family, and spent time together as a family, but we never got to Santa. I felt bad about it. I thought about it a lot in the days leading up to Christmas and daily after Christmas for over a week. I wondered if anybody noticed or missed it. But they hadn’t. The only person that even seemed to care was me. It made me wonder about the pressure I put on myself around other things too. I have a sense of dread around the holidays, that if I don’t achieve it all, then I really achieved nothing.
I had a feeling that accomplishing the list of items that I am supposed to do for my kids, for my family, for myself, measured my worth. My need to make the most out of my time and the experience of life. The joy I get when we have accomplished all of it. It’s simply was not true.
My kids didn’t miss it, or feel loss because of it, or think our holiday was less because they didn’t sit on the Big Man’s lap. They overlooked it. Someone brought it up and asked if they saw Santa and my son mentioned that they already talked to their elf so they didn’t need to. My daughter said she thought it was kind of weird anyway and was glad we didn’t do it. I wanted to chime in. I thought about asking them if they really missed it. I left it alone and remembered that what we did was not only enough, but it was perfect.
Interview with Danny Colella
Video filmed with Danny Colella – LIVE Video Marketing Expert, Coach, and Consultant. www.DannyColella.com
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I’m an Adult, Aren’t I?
It’s hard to feel like an adult when you’re in this swirling storm of questions and uncertainty. Every path seems difficult and wrought with the same obstacles of difficulty, money, and time. It all seems overwhelming, maybe to the point that you’ve shut down because apathy seems better than trying and failing. You feel like you’re going in circles, and it truly is miserable, but the risk of what happens if you break this cycle is somehow even more daunting. If you’ve never been taught how to make mistakes, that it’s okay to change direction, or how to determine your own definition of success, this land in between adolescence and adulthood is treacherous, and only seems to get worse. You lack contentment in the present and excitement for the future; sweet moments of relief come from reliving the past because, even though the pressure was high, the outcomes and objectives were clearly defined, and there’s freedom and relief in understanding.
When everything is muddled and you feel out of passion and energy, therapy can be a place to go. There’s an unbiased, but caring, party that can take all of that swirling storm and help you point out the pieces of it: the dark clouds, the bone-soaking rain, the slippery grass. They can teach you the tools both to cope with what is and to change what doesn’t have to be, and they can also tell you where you’ve stopped yourself from improving. Instead of sitting outside in the rain wishing it would get better or giving in to the cold, wet apathy, come inside. Dry off. Meet with someone who will help you make sense of your own world and your own desires and direction. So far you’ve been fed everyone else’s definitions of success and accomplishment. Now is the time to find your own.
Our friend Lindsey at Relate Family Therapy and Counseling knows all about the patterns of behavior that keep us moving in circles and staying out in the rain. She is someone who will invite you inside and let you really, truly feel, and then work with you to discover your own definition of normal, success, ambition, satisfaction, optimism, and self-acceptance. She will let you know when you’re dragging your heels through the mud, but she will also teach you how to cope with the muck, even what’s dried and stained the carpet.
www.relatefamilytherapy.com | 303-954-9809
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An Elephant Named Coronavirus
Look at the room around you. Without a doubt, it has changed over the last few weeks. Where there was tidiness now there are kids’ toys and school projects or work computers and stacks of paper. Where there had been a space for your blazer to hang on the back of the chair after a long day, now there is the sweatshirt you’ve been meaning to wash since last Thursday.
COVID-19 – the Coronavirus – is present all the time. It’s on our minds. It’s the elephant in the room. From those living alone and feeling the grasp of solitude even more fully, to the partners competing for “work from home” space, to the parents now trying to add homeschool teacher to their invisible load, along with extra responsibilities, questions, concerns, and maybe even some guilt about how they are handling this.
It’s not just the concern for the world or the anxiety for the health of your loved ones. It’s being a social butterfly or having one in your home that is now irritable, suffocated by isolation. It’s having to re-learn 3rd grade math and fear you’re not cut out to be a teacher so your kid could suffer academically forever. It’s worrying that telling your kids the world is a dark and scary place right now might traumatize them, but it’s probably worse to tell them everything is fine… Right? It’s not knowing the next time you’ll see your aging mother. It’s not knowing if you’ll keep your job or find a new one in all this. It’s wondering if your spouse was always this messy, annoying, and loud. Wondering how there is so much laundry if everyone wears pajamas all day? Is it wrong to wear pajamas all day? Can the washing machine even wash off coronavirus if there are germs on the clothes?? Did we even buy enough laundry detergent to get through this? Everything adds to that invisible load.
Everyone carries an invisible load every day. Parents juggle soccer practice, teaching kids how to handle bullies, keeping the house clean while living life, being a present partner, and still having some semblance of personhood. Partners balance how to build their career with how that affects their partner, their dreams as individuals and as a unit, and their roles as a person and a significant other. People, in general, have their health, their families, their goals, their future, and their shoulds and wants and needs. So this is no different, except it is. It is massively different. And it’s going to be. It might even be different forever. And that might just have to be okay. If these words about normal stress versus these new stressors in a changed environment have you feeling panicky, that’s fine. You’re allowed to feel panicky. It is valid to feel overwhelmed and overstretched and confined and sad and confused. Feel those feelings.
This is a time to stretch our creativity muscles. I don’t mean by learning a new language or picking up an instrument or becoming a Youtube chef or a TikTok star. I mean in those day-to-day moments where normalcy has been broken: teaching kids, having friends, getting groceries, ruptured vacations and events, altered or lost careers. The days are long, yet somehow blur. There is nothing certain beyond tomorrow and specific due dates for homework or work projects. What is worth holding onto from before? What really isn’t? What does it mean to be functioning NOW in this quarantined, socially distanced environment? This is a life nothing like what was happening before, and it’s okay to hold a space for however that makes us feel, and it’s also okay to let go of whatever normal was before and change our ways. Maybe your family doesn’t need Taco Tuesday anymore, but they could use a music break after lunch every day. Maybe you and your partner set up a time where you DON’T watch a movie together after sharing the same office all day. You’re allowed to not know what would make this better. You’re allowed to hold onto the habits you need to feel centered. You’re allowed to change completely. This is new and unprecedented, and we’re all stuck with a new pet elephant that lives in every corner of our lives.
www.relatefamilytherapy.com | 303-954-9809
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Anxiety | Depression | Trauma | Grief | Behavior | Parenting | Connections
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